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Fun thread
63 posts
• Page 2 of 5 • 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
by nabi » Fri Sep 30, 2011 2:18 pm
________________________________________________________________________
When I do good, no one remembers, when I do wrong, no one forgets.
I am in a permanent state of inactivity
I won't answer to any PM, so don't send me any
When I do good, no one remembers, when I do wrong, no one forgets.
I am in a permanent state of inactivity
I won't answer to any PM, so don't send me any
by nabi » Sun Oct 02, 2011 11:11 am
Nevertheless, this is a traffic violation!
(Some say, only in London it is)
3243
32434007
(Some say, only in London it is)
3243
32434007
________________________________________________________________________
When I do good, no one remembers, when I do wrong, no one forgets.
I am in a permanent state of inactivity
I won't answer to any PM, so don't send me any
When I do good, no one remembers, when I do wrong, no one forgets.
I am in a permanent state of inactivity
I won't answer to any PM, so don't send me any
by Fatboyfun » Tue Oct 04, 2011 5:12 pm
This was recently on Ebay UK...
TomTom GO 700 Automotive GPS Receiver
You are bidding on a TomTom Go 700
This was my wife's, may her knicker draw be infested with the fleas of a thousand Camels...
The Go 700 was once the top of the range Sat Nav from TomTom, with an internal Hard Disk Drive instead of the traditional SD Card, and had full Bluetooth and Wireless capabilities.
I bought this for the back-stabbing harlot, some four or five years ago, before she met Nigel with the Little Penis, and it cost me over £400...
As bless her cheating little heart, she gets lost driving out of the street...perhaps without this she would never have found the way to Nigels door, nor perhaps his stain riddled bed...
Her infidelity was discovered when I took her car for an MOT, and while waiting, I was tinkering with the Sat Nav and noticed that all her recent journeys had all been to Nigel's...
So, like any normal human, I reprogrammed Nigel's address to one in a town far far away...
My wife bless her treacherous ways, didn't realise there was anything amiss until she was driving East along the M4.
She then tried to act all innocent and lying through her cherry red venemous snake lips, asked if I could sort out her beloved TomTom as something was terribly wrong with it: when she used it to drive to her sisters it took her along the M4.
I presume her sister means Nigel with the erectile problems...
With the anger of the betrayed I said I would, but my frustration and anger caused me to accidently delete all the files from the internal drive instead...
Words were spoken, accusations were made... The air hung heavy and was coloured blue with profanity...
I find it difficult to believe her claims that this is all my fault...
I wasn't the one getting lost while travelling to Pencil Dick Nigel's house...
After much arguing she has decided her future lies in the squallor of Nigel's cockroach infested hovell...
Good luck to them both... may the ten plagues of Egypt visit their stained adulterous bed...
I now have her TomTom Go 700 but have no idea how to reinstall the software, and really I don't want the reminder of the cheating, lying, heartless, creature of the night.
All the other accessories are still in her car, so I hope they are happy living at Nigels together.
Therefore this auction is just for the TomTom Go 700 itself...
I'm sure someone somewhere can make this work...
As an after thought...
There is no returns for this...I really don't want it back...
The auction Starts at a low but fair £20 and all proceeds will go to taking me out on a bloody good night with copious amounts of alcahol, wine, women, and song...and if the price is right...maybe a curry to boot...
So please bid with confidence that all proceeds are for a very worthy cause...
Good Luck
Oh and Postage is for UK only So anywhere else contact me for a price to anywhere else...
-
Yurbuh Tuggly
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by Fatboyfun » Fri Oct 07, 2011 9:18 pm
Six ways to never get lost in a city again.
[Please Register or Login to download file]
Many people now rely on their smartphones, sat-navs or other GPS devices to find their way around. But when these fail us, and there's no-one to ask for directions, there's a more natural way to navigate.
It's not every week that a massive solar flare knocks out the GPS network, but all it takes is a flat battery or a mechanical fault to hobble your automated orientation aids.
And if there's no-one around to ask and no paper map on hand, you could be in trouble.
Natural navigation may be just what you need. This involves working out which way to go without using maps, compasses or any other instruments. It relies on awareness and deduction, so does depend on retaining some awareness of direction throughout each journey.
1. TV satellite dishes
Look for satellite dishes and signs of weathering
These really are the "get out of jail free" cards in an urban area.
This is because the dishes point at a geostationary satellite, one that stays over the same point on the Earth's surface.
In the UK there is a dominant satellite broadcaster, hence nearly all the dishes tend to point in the same direction - close to southeast.
The same applies in rural areas - especially those blessed with pubs screening sport.
2. Religious buildings
East is east
From earliest times, religious buildings and sacred sites have been laid out to give clues as to direction.
Christian churches are normally aligned west-east, with the main altar at the eastern end to face the sunrise. Gravestones, too, are aligned west-east.
To find direction from a mosque, you need to go inside and look for the niche in one wall, which indicates the direction for prayer. This niche, known as al-Qibla, will be the direction of Mecca, wherever you are in the world.
And synagogues normally place the Torah Ark at the eastern end, positioned so worshippers face towards Jerusalem. (Synagogues in countries east of Israel will face west.)
3. Weathering
The prevailing winds carry rain and pollution. These then hit the buildings, leaving patterns.
The wind comes from the southwest in the UK more often than from any other direction. This results in asymmetrical weathering patterns on buildings - similar to the erosion seen in nature.
Look up, above the cleaned glass and metals of the lower floors, to the natural stone or weathered bricks higher up.
Notice how the building's corners all show subtly different weathering patterns.
The contrast between southwest and northeast corners is the greatest. But the shifts in colours, where the rain and pollutants have left their mark, can be read on all sides with a little practice.
Trees, too, indicate direction, with the very tops combed over by the prevailing wind.
4. Flow of people
Rush hour crowds point the way
Pacific navigators learned to follow the birds in their search of land. They quickly realised that while an individual bird can behave eccentrically, a pair - or even better a flock - will follow a pattern.
The same is true of human beings. There is no point following an individual, you could end up anywhere. But following a crowd in the late afternoon will take you towards a station or other transport hub. In the mornings, walk against the flow to find these stations.
At lunchtime in sunny weather, crowds move from office blocks towards the open spaces of parks and rivers.
5. Road alignment
Wind direction and road layout can help
Roads do not spring up randomly, they grow to carry traffic - and the bulk of traffic is either heading into or out of a town. So the biggest roads tend to be aligned in a certain way, depending on whether you are in the centre or on the outskirts.
In the north or south of town, the major roads will tend to be aligned north/south. In the northwest or southeast, they will have a bias towards northwest/southeast. This is why road maps of big towns show a radial pattern.
It is common sense, but very few people realise this when they feel lost in a big city.
6. Clouds
Look up into the skies
One of the best ways not to lose your sense of direction is to hold onto it. My favourite way of doing this in a city is to orientate myself - using some of the clues above - and then note the direction the clouds are moving.
The wind pushing the clouds will remain fairly constant, providing there's no dramatic change in the weather.
This technique really earns its keep on underground journeys, especially to a new part of town. Simply look up before you head underground, and remember the direction of the clouds. When you emerge in a strange part of the city, look up again and you'll be able to work out which way is which from the clouds overhead.
[color="blue"]This may come in useful... One-day![/color]
[Please Register or Login to download file]
Many people now rely on their smartphones, sat-navs or other GPS devices to find their way around. But when these fail us, and there's no-one to ask for directions, there's a more natural way to navigate.
It's not every week that a massive solar flare knocks out the GPS network, but all it takes is a flat battery or a mechanical fault to hobble your automated orientation aids.
And if there's no-one around to ask and no paper map on hand, you could be in trouble.
Natural navigation may be just what you need. This involves working out which way to go without using maps, compasses or any other instruments. It relies on awareness and deduction, so does depend on retaining some awareness of direction throughout each journey.
1. TV satellite dishes
Look for satellite dishes and signs of weathering
These really are the "get out of jail free" cards in an urban area.
This is because the dishes point at a geostationary satellite, one that stays over the same point on the Earth's surface.
In the UK there is a dominant satellite broadcaster, hence nearly all the dishes tend to point in the same direction - close to southeast.
The same applies in rural areas - especially those blessed with pubs screening sport.
2. Religious buildings
East is east
From earliest times, religious buildings and sacred sites have been laid out to give clues as to direction.
Christian churches are normally aligned west-east, with the main altar at the eastern end to face the sunrise. Gravestones, too, are aligned west-east.
To find direction from a mosque, you need to go inside and look for the niche in one wall, which indicates the direction for prayer. This niche, known as al-Qibla, will be the direction of Mecca, wherever you are in the world.
And synagogues normally place the Torah Ark at the eastern end, positioned so worshippers face towards Jerusalem. (Synagogues in countries east of Israel will face west.)
3. Weathering
The prevailing winds carry rain and pollution. These then hit the buildings, leaving patterns.
The wind comes from the southwest in the UK more often than from any other direction. This results in asymmetrical weathering patterns on buildings - similar to the erosion seen in nature.
Look up, above the cleaned glass and metals of the lower floors, to the natural stone or weathered bricks higher up.
Notice how the building's corners all show subtly different weathering patterns.
The contrast between southwest and northeast corners is the greatest. But the shifts in colours, where the rain and pollutants have left their mark, can be read on all sides with a little practice.
Trees, too, indicate direction, with the very tops combed over by the prevailing wind.
4. Flow of people
Rush hour crowds point the way
Pacific navigators learned to follow the birds in their search of land. They quickly realised that while an individual bird can behave eccentrically, a pair - or even better a flock - will follow a pattern.
The same is true of human beings. There is no point following an individual, you could end up anywhere. But following a crowd in the late afternoon will take you towards a station or other transport hub. In the mornings, walk against the flow to find these stations.
At lunchtime in sunny weather, crowds move from office blocks towards the open spaces of parks and rivers.
5. Road alignment
Wind direction and road layout can help
Roads do not spring up randomly, they grow to carry traffic - and the bulk of traffic is either heading into or out of a town. So the biggest roads tend to be aligned in a certain way, depending on whether you are in the centre or on the outskirts.
In the north or south of town, the major roads will tend to be aligned north/south. In the northwest or southeast, they will have a bias towards northwest/southeast. This is why road maps of big towns show a radial pattern.
It is common sense, but very few people realise this when they feel lost in a big city.
6. Clouds
Look up into the skies
One of the best ways not to lose your sense of direction is to hold onto it. My favourite way of doing this in a city is to orientate myself - using some of the clues above - and then note the direction the clouds are moving.
The wind pushing the clouds will remain fairly constant, providing there's no dramatic change in the weather.
This technique really earns its keep on underground journeys, especially to a new part of town. Simply look up before you head underground, and remember the direction of the clouds. When you emerge in a strange part of the city, look up again and you'll be able to work out which way is which from the clouds overhead.
[color="blue"]This may come in useful... One-day![/color]
Currently sleeping...
by bigwedgey » Mon Oct 31, 2011 12:03 pm
------------------------------------------
A blonde walked into a store to buy curtains.
She went up to the salesman and said, "I want those curtains in pink, the size of my computer screen.
The salesman said, "Computers don't need curtains."
The blonde said, "Hellooo, I have windows!"
-----------------------------------------------------------
A blonde walked into a store to buy curtains.
She went up to the salesman and said, "I want those curtains in pink, the size of my computer screen.
The salesman said, "Computers don't need curtains."
The blonde said, "Hellooo, I have windows!"
-----------------------------------------------------------
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bigwedgey
offline
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by nabi » Mon Oct 31, 2011 5:54 pm
How to get lost using a GPS:
4008
4008
________________________________________________________________________
When I do good, no one remembers, when I do wrong, no one forgets.
I am in a permanent state of inactivity
I won't answer to any PM, so don't send me any
When I do good, no one remembers, when I do wrong, no one forgets.
I am in a permanent state of inactivity
I won't answer to any PM, so don't send me any
how the fight began
by nabi » Mon Oct 31, 2011 6:02 pm
My wife and I were at a gathering of former students of her school.
One of the men present was completely drunk. Yet he took one glass after an other.
I asked my wife if she knew him.
"Sure do," she sighed, "we have been a couple foe quite a while and when we broke up, he started drinking and never stopped. "
I said: "Who would have thought that he still would be celebrating."
Then our fight started ...
One of the men present was completely drunk. Yet he took one glass after an other.
I asked my wife if she knew him.
"Sure do," she sighed, "we have been a couple foe quite a while and when we broke up, he started drinking and never stopped. "
I said: "Who would have thought that he still would be celebrating."
Then our fight started ...
________________________________________________________________________
When I do good, no one remembers, when I do wrong, no one forgets.
I am in a permanent state of inactivity
I won't answer to any PM, so don't send me any
When I do good, no one remembers, when I do wrong, no one forgets.
I am in a permanent state of inactivity
I won't answer to any PM, so don't send me any
by nabi » Mon Oct 31, 2011 6:07 pm
My wife sat beside me on the sofa while I was changing channels on TV, looking for something to watch.
She asked: "Is there anything on TV?"
I replied: "Nothing but dust."
Then our fight started ...
She asked: "Is there anything on TV?"
I replied: "Nothing but dust."
Then our fight started ...
________________________________________________________________________
When I do good, no one remembers, when I do wrong, no one forgets.
I am in a permanent state of inactivity
I won't answer to any PM, so don't send me any
When I do good, no one remembers, when I do wrong, no one forgets.
I am in a permanent state of inactivity
I won't answer to any PM, so don't send me any
by nabi » Mon Oct 31, 2011 6:11 pm
My wife looked at herself in the mirror. She was not pleased with what she saw. She said: "I feel bad, I'm old, fat and ugly. I really need a compliment." I replied, "Your eyes are excellent!"
Then our fight started ...
Then our fight started ...
________________________________________________________________________
When I do good, no one remembers, when I do wrong, no one forgets.
I am in a permanent state of inactivity
I won't answer to any PM, so don't send me any
When I do good, no one remembers, when I do wrong, no one forgets.
I am in a permanent state of inactivity
I won't answer to any PM, so don't send me any
by nabi » Mon Oct 31, 2011 6:14 pm
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. 'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'
He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?' 'Nah, she can order for herself.' And that's how the fight started again .....
He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?' 'Nah, she can order for herself.' And that's how the fight started again .....
________________________________________________________________________
When I do good, no one remembers, when I do wrong, no one forgets.
I am in a permanent state of inactivity
I won't answer to any PM, so don't send me any
When I do good, no one remembers, when I do wrong, no one forgets.
I am in a permanent state of inactivity
I won't answer to any PM, so don't send me any
by catsmokey » Wed Dec 21, 2011 10:50 am
HARD TIMES
Hans, a middle-aged
German tourist on his first visit to Orlando,
Florida, finds the red
light district and enters a large brothel. The
madam asks him to be
seated and sends over a young lady to entertain
him.
They sit and
talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she
sits on his
lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away!
Seeing this,
the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain
the
gentleman.
They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a
bit, and she
sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear, and she too
screams, "No!" and
walks quickly away.
The madam is surprised that
this ordinary looking man has asked for
something so outrageous that
her two girls will have nothing to do with
him. She decides that only
her most experienced lady, Lola, will do.
Lola has never said no, and
it's not likely anything would surprise
her. So the madam sends her
over to Hans. The sit and talk, frolic a
little, giggle a bit, drink
a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers
in her ear and she
screams, "NO WAY, BUDDY!" and smacks him as hard as
she can and
leaves.
Madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing
like this in
all her years of operating a brothel. She hasn't done
the bedroom work
herself for a long time, but she's sure she has said
yes to everything
a man could possibly ask for. She just has to find
out what this man
wants that has made her girls so angry. Besides she
sees a chance to
teach her employees a lesson.
So she goes over to
Hans and says that she's the best in the house and
is available. She
sits and talks with him. They frolic, giggle, drink
and then she sits
in his lap.
Hans leans forwards and whispers in her ear, "Can I pay
in Euros?"
Hans, a middle-aged
German tourist on his first visit to Orlando,
Florida, finds the red
light district and enters a large brothel. The
madam asks him to be
seated and sends over a young lady to entertain
him.
They sit and
talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she
sits on his
lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away!
Seeing this,
the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain
the
gentleman.
They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a
bit, and she
sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear, and she too
screams, "No!" and
walks quickly away.
The madam is surprised that
this ordinary looking man has asked for
something so outrageous that
her two girls will have nothing to do with
him. She decides that only
her most experienced lady, Lola, will do.
Lola has never said no, and
it's not likely anything would surprise
her. So the madam sends her
over to Hans. The sit and talk, frolic a
little, giggle a bit, drink
a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers
in her ear and she
screams, "NO WAY, BUDDY!" and smacks him as hard as
she can and
leaves.
Madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing
like this in
all her years of operating a brothel. She hasn't done
the bedroom work
herself for a long time, but she's sure she has said
yes to everything
a man could possibly ask for. She just has to find
out what this man
wants that has made her girls so angry. Besides she
sees a chance to
teach her employees a lesson.
So she goes over to
Hans and says that she's the best in the house and
is available. She
sits and talks with him. They frolic, giggle, drink
and then she sits
in his lap.
Hans leans forwards and whispers in her ear, "Can I pay
in Euros?"
by Fatboyfun » Wed Dec 21, 2011 9:13 pm
Funny road names in Britain that i've been to...
Pick somewhere to live...
Imagine my surprise (and excitement) when my satnav announced that i'd be turning into "Horny-old Road" in 250 yards...
Pick somewhere to live...
Imagine my surprise (and excitement) when my satnav announced that i'd be turning into "Horny-old Road" in 250 yards...
Currently sleeping...
by nabi » Tue Jan 10, 2012 9:27 am
The best ‘Out of Office Replies’:
1: I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to
get the position.
2: I'm not really out of the office. I'm just ignoring you.
3: You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the
office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at
all.
4: Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed
so that I may be promoted to management
5: I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me
until I return from vacation on 4/18. Please be patient and your mail will
be deleted in the order it was received.
6: Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for
the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.
7: The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is
unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try
sending again.'
(The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many
in-duh-viduals did this over and over).
8: Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queueing
system.You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply
in approximately 19 weeks.
9: Hi. I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC
for my response.
10: Hi! I'm busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don't bother to
leave me any messages.
11: I've run away to join a different circus.
AND, FINALLY, THIS ONE TAKES THE CAKE :
12: I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons.
When I return, please refer to me as 'Loretta' instead of '[size=85][font=Courier New][color=#000000]Bob[/color][/font]'.
[/size][/font]
1: I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to
get the position.
2: I'm not really out of the office. I'm just ignoring you.
3: You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the
office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at
all.
4: Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed
so that I may be promoted to management
5: I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me
until I return from vacation on 4/18. Please be patient and your mail will
be deleted in the order it was received.
6: Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for
the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.
7: The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is
unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try
sending again.'
(The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many
in-duh-viduals did this over and over).
8: Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queueing
system.You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply
in approximately 19 weeks.
9: Hi. I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC
for my response.
10: Hi! I'm busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don't bother to
leave me any messages.
11: I've run away to join a different circus.
AND, FINALLY, THIS ONE TAKES THE CAKE :
12: I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons.
When I return, please refer to me as 'Loretta' instead of '[size=85][font=Courier New][color=#000000]Bob[/color][/font]'.
[/size][/font]
________________________________________________________________________
When I do good, no one remembers, when I do wrong, no one forgets.
I am in a permanent state of inactivity
I won't answer to any PM, so don't send me any
When I do good, no one remembers, when I do wrong, no one forgets.
I am in a permanent state of inactivity
I won't answer to any PM, so don't send me any
63 posts
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